But they are.
And today we started the "no TV for the summer" transition. And I cut out all pop, meat, cheese, and sweets from my diet starting today. Just trying to get a little healthier. I'm not much of an advance planner, and about ten minutes into today it occurred to me that with all this coinciding today, perhaps my timing on all this was a little wonky.
I could say that today was hard, but who am I kidding. I drank a mug of caffeinated tea. I let the kids play outside a bunch. My eyes itched and swelled up and I went through half a box of Kleenex, but the attacks last for half an hour and then they go away for long stretches. Compared to the average person on the planet, my day today was a luxurious vacation.What today did do, since it didn't provide enough drama and tragedy to make a Hallmark movie script, was to keep me aware of my own pitiful weakness. I am not capable of making it through a beautiful, sunny day in a peaceful quaint town in the richest country in the world without reaching for props, crutches, and distractions. My children are healthy and only moderately rambunctious- no deep grief from that corner, today. My husband is faithful, handsome, and gainfully employed. I have many tools at my disposal to make my job possible and easier- toys and cleaning products and dozens of things with electrical plugs that promise to help a mother out. Yet I still have this urge to drop out, mentally and emotionally. The urge to splurge runs deep. "It's been a rough morning, I need this Diet Mountain Dew- it'll give me energy!" "What a stressful time with the kids. I know, I'll make cookies with them! And eat one- or six." "Hmmm, while the kids watch Clifford I'll just check Pinterest." Yuck- my own desire to at every moment be looking for a way to increase my own comfort and downshift my efforts and responsibilities is shocking to me. And until this morning I was in a long season of completely ignoring the depth of my own desperate needs.
Because I want to be here, now. I want to do what all the cliches people post mean, about living life fully, being present, making memories with my kids and doing something that matters. And Pinterest does not have enough advice, facebook does not share enough motivation, pop and sugar and rich foods do not give me the energy to do that. This morning when I woke up and 30 seconds later wanted to turn on the TV and grab a soda, I remembered that I need Jesus. And two minutes later I remembered it. And two hours later I was still running into that truth.
I am weak, messy, and needy. And that does not make me feel like crawling into a hole to die. It makes me want to go running into the arms of the one who wipes tears, heals what is broken, and gives purpose to the aimless. Thank God for the gospel, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Where we are ugly, he loves us enough to roll up his sleeves. It is during the hard days of saying "NO" to my idols and addictions that the lyrics to every worship song go from trite to so, so true.
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
I hope it goes without saying that I don't think drinking soda, eating sweets, meat, and cheese, or watching TV, are bad. Or that stopping those things makes you better. I'm sharing that these things were something that I used on a deeper level, as in "used," like something that is shaking me up as I (try) to stop. I fully intend for this season to be about living with freedom and joy- focusing on my savior, my family, and my life- not by adding a chain of denying myself, but by cutting chains of dependance.
Ask me in three days, and I'll bet I say that I haven't felt this good in a long time.
In the meantime, I'll be clutching my Kleenex and water bottle.
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