ouch

I feel like God is trying to teach me something, and at times it's painful.  Like, as I get fresh waves of understanding, spurred on by memories and connections, they feel like contractions.  This week I feel doubled over and gasping, spiritually speaking.  The awkward and embarrassing memories and realizations are coming faster and more frequently, and I am afraid.  Afraid that I will go back to the blur and numbness of the daily grind, and forget the aha's.  Like I wish I could spend a week thinking and praying so I can push through. Give birth to whatever this is.  It's tied to my identity- that I've continued to be a slave to others' approval in ways I thought I had outgrown long ago. That the idea that someone didn't like me, 20 years ago, someone I haven't spoken to in almost as long, still makes me tremble and feel panicked.  And I want to scream to myself that THE GOSPEL IS ALL I HAVE.  Over and over until I get it.  Right now Pandora is playing, "I need you, how I need you.  Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness, My God, how I need you." Cue ugly cry.

But I don't want to just feel this.  I need to unpack it, memorize it, get it into my bones.  Think and do and breathe and BE different.

If you had told me a week ago that I'd be feeling contractions, spiritually, I'd have nodded and believed that I understood.  But I wouldn't have.  In my 38 years I haven't felt quite exactly like this, before.

It wasn't me that started this, and rushing it will get me there no faster- much like childbirth. I think I have to wait to receive the next part of this.

Ouch.